Looking back over the past two months

So here's what you missed while I was away from the blog...it may be a bit TMI but this blog is really for me to remember, so pardon the honesty if you think it's too much. Brace yourself...it's a long one!



Jan. 2010 - Aug. 2010


After much anticipation and discussion, we were ready to add to our family! But after thinking it could be timed and planned perfectly, God showed me that wasn't exactly what He had in mind and we waited. And waited.


Each month that passed brought more tears and doubt. Would this ever happen? Was there something wrong? I cried to Ryan each time it was clear we weren't pregnant and I truly felt for all the couples out there that struggle with infertility.


I went through some blood testing and doctor visits and all confirmed that I was "normal." The stress starting eating at me and we decided to take a quick weekend trip away to try and stop thinking about it. Hence, the Breakers.


In the meantime, I knew God was trying to teach me a lesson in patience. Something I've struggled with my whole life. Deep down, beyond the stress and doubt, I knew He knew what He was doing and I tried to faithfully wait.




Sept. 10, 2010

We celebrated a friend's birthday with a fat-fest of a meal at Texas de Brazil. To avoid suspicion (and really, because I just really wanted to) I had some wine with dinner. Screw it, I thought. It's probably not happening this month anyway.



Sept. 11, 2010


For the past (what felt like an) eternity, I always seemed to look up at the clock right when it hit 9:11. Was God sending a message? Was something supposed to happen today? My period was supposed to start...and didn't. Hmm...



Sept. 12, 2010


I spent the morning with old work friends, having brunch at Suzanne's new house, catching up with the girls and asking Julia 20 questions about her impending arrival of baby Calvin. On my way home, I stopped at Publix for the weekly groceries and didn't even think twice about grabbing a pregnancy test. This time I splurged and got the digital kind. I was sick of misreading the faint or nonexistent lines and wanted a clear, definitive answer.


After getting home and unloading the groceries, I went right into the bathroom and worked some magic on the first test. I didn't tell Ryan what I was doing, I was just determined to get some kind of resolution. I sat there watching the little timer blink on and off, on and off.


I must have looked away for a second because when I looked back it had finished "thinking" - and it said clear as day PREGNANT. Really? No, really, seriously? God, is this for real? (I'm pretty sure I had the same reaction when Ryan proposed.) A smile started to crack along my lips and tears welled up in my eyes. It was positive. We were going to have a baby!

I walked out into the living room to see Ryan and Jax lounging on the couch, football on the tv and Ryan holding a finished apple core. (Not the most ideal time to make an announcement, I know.) I held up the test and showed him and he looked at the test, then back up at me, and back and forth. Finally, he started to get up and asked if he could throw away the apple first. Haha. He came back and we hugged in disbelief, not really sure what to do.


It was a pretty surreal afternoon, snuggling on the couch together and talking baby but trying not to jinx things. I took another test that night just to be safe. It was still positive.



Sept. 18, 2010

I can't believe I held the news in for an entire week at work. I did all I could to avoid conversation with my family, which was helped by the fact that we were all distracted packing up for a trip to Hilton Head together and each phone call was completely focused on the trip itself.

We got to town at the same time as Alex (my sis), Jess and her boyfriend Alex and all met up at the house right as my aunts and uncles were unpacking. No sign of my parents yet. How was I going to go about the day without saying anything?!


A late lunch in South Beach at the Salty Dog helped prolong things and by the time we got back, more folks were arriving at the house. It was a little (a lot) self-centered to think people would be looking at me and thinking things like, why isn't she drinking yet? or is she gaining weight? Crazy, I know. But I was paranoid all evening none the less.


Finally, everyone got to the house and most of the people I wanted to tell were in the same room. I ran upstairs to my suitcase and grabbed a onesie I had painted for nephew Carter to help us share the news, stuffing it in my pocket on my way back down. Thankfully, the last missing person (Alex) came in right as I was walking back into the room so I grabbed her and made her stop while I said we had something for Carter.


As I laid the onesie that said "#1 Cousin" over his belly, the room erupted and Kelly actually started crying! It was an out-of-body experience to be able to share such exciting and long-awaited news with my family in person. Hugs all around and anyone that was outside came flooding in to see what the fuss was about. It was amazing!



Sept. 19 - 21, 2010


It was such a treat to be in Hilton Head with my family to be able to talk about things and share in my nervousness and joy. I felt really good, symptom-wise, and still got to enjoy our typical vacation activities like beaching it and playing tennis. Funny enough, of our other Orlando friends that have a baby or are expecting, each couple found out the week before a trip to Hilton Head. It's a special place for us!



Sept. 28, 2010


First doctor appointment. I was cautiously optimistic that we would get an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat or something, but it was a pretty low key, boring visit. Ryan came with me and after an hour wait the nurse finally took us back for what felt like an interogation.


We finally made it to a room and Ryan got to experience the joys of a female exam because I had to strip down right in front of him. Needless to say, he was a little freaked out and chose to stand behind the curtain when the doctor finally did his thing.

We got to ask all of our questions and the doctor was very patient as I pulled out my notebook. He's very laid back and I appreciate his approach that basically anything is okay if you're used to it. If something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen and what you do (exercise/activity) or eat (deli meat, sushi) is not going to affect things. I'm trying to believe it but I'm also being a bit more cautious for now.

Oh, and my due date was confirmed. May 20, 2011. My 30th birthday. Amazing!


Oct. 2, 2010


So far, I am feeling really good, which is starting to worry me. Originally, my boobs hurt so bad that hugs were painful, I was instantly more tired and voraciously hungry all the time. No real nausea, definitely no throwing up, and nothing major to report. As time has passed, I have been super bloated (my jeans were uncomfortably tight yesterday), I'm still hungry (like, I feel like such a little piggy and am super worried about weight gain) and I've been a bit crampy.


Still no sickness and only the rare need for Sprite. It's so unreal to me and I keep thinking maybe something is wrong, but I haven't had any spotting or any spec of blood, so I am sure it's fine. My first ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, so I am anxiously awaiting a chance to hear a tiny heartbeat with all prayers focused on a healthy, strong baby still growing inside me. In the meantime, I'll take what little symptoms I have!



Oct. 8, 2010


Second doctor appointment. It was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. We went back for an ultrasound and I instantly loved how personable and engaging our tech was. She and Ryan made conversation while I changed into a gown and then the show began.


As she moved the wand around inside me (it was vaginal vs. on my tummy), little blobs came in and out of focus and they she stopped on this tiny little hula-dancing wiggle worm. Our munchkin!


We could see the chest cavity vibrating and when she turned on the speakers a resounding "bump-a-thump" played for us. 150 bps. Praise the Lord! A good solid heartbeat. I couldn't help but tear up and grip Ryan's hand even harder. What a miracle growing inside me!

She took a bunch of measurements and Baby M checked in at about 7 weeks, 4 days - a few days shy of what we were thinking. She kept my due date just the same, though, which is helpful to remember. Everything looked great and we got our first baby portraits.


Going to work after getting such elating news was really tough. How can any pregnant lady focus knowing what is happening inside her? I ended up telling my boss the news at the end of the day but swearing her to secrecy.

We went to dinner with Mike and Lindsay that night and knowing we'd heard a healthy heartbeat, we felt good about sharing the news with them, too. Also being pregnant, Lindsay was concerned about eating goat cheese so I asked the waitress if it was pasturized and as she went off to check, I said it was because I had to worry about that now, too. The look on Lindsay's face was priceless - such a double-take and disbelief, and both of them immediately jumped up and gave us hugs. I am thrilled that we get to share this time together and am so thankful to have someone else to talk to and ask questions through the process.



Oct. 18, 2010


Two whole years of wedded bliss already under our belt. I can't believe how fast the time flies and I know it's only going to get faster. We spent a very low key evening together. Ryan bought me flowers and the baby a giant teddy bear - so sweet. Then we ate at Wazzabi for a lovely dinner...that is until my stomach decided it hated the food and I got really sick. By 8, I was back home and in so much pain and by 8:30 I was curled up on the couch fast asleep. So much for big celebration!




Oct. 23, 2010


My first "good" craving (according to Ryan, who has declared I can't crave things like baked potatoes - which I have) - I saw a commercial for Arby's curly fries and have to have some. Thankfully, hubby was running out and was nice enough to get me some on the way home. They definitely hit the spot! I've also been jonesing for a jelly doughnut, but have yet to fulfill that one.



Oct. 27, 2010


At 10+ weeks, I am still feeling (generally) really good and so thankful that I haven't had to experience morning sickness or any other major problems. Symptoms I have had - I've definitely lost my appetite a few times at dinner, have an aversion to red meat at the moment, and am amazed at the gassy/bloatiness that has overtaken my midsection. Thankfully, until the batteries died yesterday morning, I seemed to have only gained 1 lb although it fluctuates so much from morning to night. I have also experienced nausea on many occassions, which I liken to a hangover without the fun the night before.


I have been hit by exhaustion this past week and the thought of exercise is fleeting and depressing because I know I need to be doing it but it makes me want to cry to even picture myself going for a walk. Hopefully that will pass, because I am terrified of this making the delivery process torture and the impending weight gain even worse.

I am still hungry all day long, which makes things at work a little tricky trying to fit snacks in between meetings. I also broke down and bought two belly bands last weekend, which I have been sporting in the office for the past two days. As paranoid and self concious as they make me, no one has noticed and it is way more comfortable than trying to button my pants, so I am thankful for the investment. I don't feel like I show in the mornings - my tummy is still relatively flat. But by the end of the workday and into the night, I feel so bloated and huge. Hopefully it's just in my head and no one is noticing yet!

Emotionally, I feel pretty even keel and have only had a couple of meltdowns (that to be honest, probably would have happened regardless of being pregnant). It's still so surreal to me and I've tried not to focus too much attention on planning or baby talk because there just seems to be so much time and so much risk. I'll feel better in a couple weeks when we go back to the doctor and get to see the munchkin on the big screen again.